Anyone know where I left my camera’s battery charger?

there is a mouse scurrying around in my garage. the sneaky little fucker ran down the stairs the other night and he’s been gnawing on the wood and little house on the prarie books out there. he’s making me mighty twitchy and soon i will have to get a trap because i don’t want the hanta virus.

Believe it or not (I’m walkin on air…), taking five children- four of whom are under the age of 2- to get their portraits taken is massively difficult. I know, obvious. My Mom bought my niece and Lily matching dresses and wanted their portraits taken together, fair enough. My sister and I have wanted to take a portrait taken of all of the grandchildren together for a year and it was the time to do it because two new grandbabies are on the way (none for me thanks).

Preparations had been made, appointments set, hairs cut, matching shoes purchased, naps and snacks carefully planned when we set out to get the photos taken. Let me tell you, the most elaborate plans on earth mean nothing to toddlers. Hoooooley shit. Ethan (Who we thought was Jack all day because the nurse put him in the wrong color- helllllo only Jack wears yellow!) went batshit insane whenever we tried to put him in the photo room. He was terrified and babbled in his baby talk, begging me to get him out of there by looking right at me and saying, “Tickle tickle tickle Noooooooo Momma” which I guess means, “Help, this is freaky and why are there big lights and I hate the people with the cameras and I don’t wanna sit because there is a lego table right over there and this sucks and HELP!”

When one boy ran, the other boy ran and my 2 year old niece either attempted to drag them back in by their feet or ran away with them. Bubbles, stuffed animals, my broken footed and my sister’s pregnant as hell asses jumping around trying to make them smile? None of it worked. We got shot after shot of the kids trying to run out of the frame or photos where every child looked horrified or bored and my oldest cheesed his goofiest grin with his eyes closed.

In the end, we got no pictures of Ethan or Jack by themselves but quite a few good ones of Lily (the world’s biggest ham). She has just started walking so she hasn’t quite perfected running away as well as the boys- perfect timing for photographing her. We got one excellent photo on my niece and Lily together which means we actually accomplished both goals of grandkids and the girls’ photos taken together.

As we were leaving, my oldest asked why I didn’t just take the photos at the park. Good damn question kiddo.

have a good weekend

Lily says, “I kiss you!”

Conversation between me and our favorite nurse, T.

T: “So I went to the club the other night and got a Hulk Hogan.”

Me: “Why’s it called a Hulk Hogan?”

T: “Because it is Hennesy and Hypnotiq and when you mix them, it turns green like the Hulk Hogan.”

Me: “Uhhhh the Hulk Hogan is a greasy white wrestling dude who isn’t very green. And has a daughter that looks like a man.”

T busts out laughing and tries to play it off like well, uh he’s a wrestler and it hits you like a wrestling move but we both knew she was full of it. I’m so ordering a Hulk Hogan one day.

Doooode, Anthony Kiedis’ girlfriend is 21?! And she’s pregnant? He is in his mid to late 40′s! That’s freakin pervy. Like whatever. I saw him and Flea once after a Lollapalooza. They were both wearing very mismatched clothes and were strinkingly short but buff.

Please note that I am trying to stop saying dude and like but dude, it is like so hard. I grew up watching Valley Girl so blame it on the 80′s. But I may have to say like and dude in a few more posts to annoy a certain someone who brought up the NKOTB obsession of yore. Dude.

My lowbrow reality television AMERICAN IDOL report, hey at least it isn’t General Hospital.

I started my DVR 45 minutes into the broadcast so I could fast forward the multitude of commercials and Paula speaking. Actually, fast forwarding Randy speaking too because if I hear him say “Yo Dawg” one more time my head will explode. I only want to hear what Simon has to say because I’d totally do him, I mean, he is the only one with anything useful to say.

It was a loooong broadcast but more entertaining than most award shows. The least exciting part? Clive Davis- who gave him the mic? I know he is huge in the music industry, blah blah blah but it was like Great- Grandpa standing up and toasting at a wedding reception and babbling for 15 minutes while everyone’s hands get tired from holding up their champagne.

My favorite part? DOUG E. FRESH and Blake beat-boxing. It was surreal seeing that on a huge, national broadcast. It was so freakin cool. I am infinitely jealous of anyone who can beat box because it is like speaking a second, very cool, language. I predict Blake will have a huge career and it will actually be better for him not to be the American Idol. I love that he had never even watched a finale and was on one last night. He is a natural performer and will ease into the music scene naturally because he already knows his genre where as Jordin is more generic.

Honestly, I wish LaKiesha had won because she had the best voice and best story (single mom!) but she was pigeon-holed in one genre. She is an R&B songstress through and through and couldn’t cut it in other genres. Melinda has a great voice and prescence on stage but when she isn’t singing? She is bland and I can’t see her being much of an original performer. I view her more as a Tina Turner wanna be.

More favorites:
-The big, yellow lady hogging the stage and kissing Ryan. Hilarious.

- Gladys Knight singing with Melinda and LaKiesha- it was perfect.

- Smokey Robinson though it looks like he’s had one too many face lifts

Least favorites:

- Sanjaya with Joe Perry although the wind through his hair ala Michael Jackson was hilarious. Comparing him to Gahndi and MLK, though a joke, was not appropriate.

- Bette Midler (snooze)

- The absence of Paul McCartney in the Sgt. Pepper’s tribute- I was so sure he was going to come out on stage and dammit, he never did. Anyone else notice Kelly Clarkson flub the words to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band? And wasn’t it surreal to see Ruben sing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (a song that will always remind me of Where the Buffalo Roam).

I am being ma’mmed to death! When the hell did I become a Ma’m? Was it when I graduated from one kid to four? When I got married? When I bought my own house? I don’t know but twice (TWICE!) today cute, skinny, shaggy late teenage boys have said “Thanks, “Ma’m” and my heart quietly broke in two. Earlier, when I walked into my lover Tarjaay, a woman with her adorable, early twenties son stopped me, pointed at my foot and said “Bunion Surgery?” I said “Sort of” and we compared feet pain for five minutes. Oh. My. God. I AM a Ma’m.

(I googled it an apparently it is spelled Ma’m though it looks totally wrong.)

There have been very few years in my life when I didn’t have a cat. I hate that I don’t have one right now and every single time I drive by the animal shelter, I fight the urge to turn into their parking lot, run inside and adopt the first feline I see. My family conspired to get rid of my cats while I was in the hospital before the babies and the kitties shit on the bed when Mike was sleeping in it (a sign?). I sobbed so hard that the nurse thought a family member was dead and that is how it felt to me. I know it would be very unfair to any animal to be brought into a home with three ear pulling, tail biting toddlers so I won’t be fulfilling my urge to bring a feline into the house again any time soon. I keep thinking- what if? What if I had a cat that only hung out in my room and in the backyard! It could work! Nah, it wouldn’t. But if one were to wonder in my yard, rub against my leg and meow to be adopted? I’d totally fall for it.

check this out- slash, tom morello (rage against the machine) and perry farrell doing old janes’ addiction songs. color me happy.